Heart Break.

When you're little, you always just think about your fairy take ending. How you'll find your own Prince Charming and end up happily ever after. But as you get older, you start thinking about your first heartbreak in the back of your mind because you're no longer young and naive. You know that things are probably going to go badly, and your first boyfriend won't be your last, no matter how badly you want him to be. You always get scared of falling in love because you don't want to get your heart broken. But you never think that your first boyfriend might not be your first heartbreak. My first heartbreak was losing my best friends. We'd been best friends forever, and all of a sudden, we weren't anymore. And truthfully, I think that it's going to hurt my heart worse than any boy will ever be able too. 

Idk.

I know I seem like I'm depressed, but I'm not. This is just how I can get my feelings out. I'm thankful for the most wonderful mom in the world. Every single morning she puts up with me when I'm crabby from being woken up from a great nights rest. She always leaves me notes of encouragement whenever I have huge tests or am stressed. I'm just really lucky to have someone so wonderful in my life. She's always there for me and she's the only person who always will be there for me. 

How it is.

Do you ever mess up, but not want to blame yourself? So instead you look for anyone else to blame: that's me. All of the time. I blame others and never accept what's wrong with myself. I cause my own problems. I push people away and cause them to not like me. I become a different person. It's almost as if I never do anything wrong in my eyes. I'm always a saint, and no one can ever compare or live up to my expectations. But that's not true, because even I don't live up to my expectations, so I don't know why I'd ever think anyone else would. Why even try? Because I'll push you away no matter what. It's how I am. I can't let anyone in too close. I'm too scared it getting hurt. 

My heart hurts.

I used to have a fear of letting people into my life because I knew eventually they'd all just go away and leave me with the broken pieces. And then I would have to pick myself up and brush myself off as if nothing was wrong, but that's not the truth. Something is wrong. I want to go back to the days when I would go to bed with a huge smile on my face. I want to wake up to long goodnight texts that made me cry. I know I sound needy and desperate but I'm not. I just need some reassurance, and truthfully, it's been so long since I had any. I used to know that I meant the world to you, and that whenever I had a problem, I could turn to you, but not anymore. You're here, but hardly. I think you'd leave, but you're too scared of breaking my heart. Well I hate to break it to you, but my heart is already breaking. And you are the cause. 

Life.

Do you know the girl that fell from a reign of popularity in all of the movies? Where her friends actually turned out to be just as mean and ruthless and unfriendly as everyone always said, but she refused to believe it? That's my life. Although, I don't consider myself popular. I was a friend of the so called "populars." But it seemed as if my friendship was only welcomed when I had something to offer. Because once I realized that I wanted out, and slowly drifted away, there was no one begging me to stay. No one texted or called. No one even asked in real life why I was constantly disappearing. It was like my decision to leave was the one that had been desired from the start. Maybe my company wasn't even worth it in the first place. I was just a girl to laugh with occasionally, one who was good at getting schoolwork done. Now instead of looking forward to school everyday, I dread it. It's torture. In the mornings, I find myself away from where I used to sit. In a locker room that no one ever enters, I sit and drink my hot chocolate each morning, trying to fix my mascara so there isn't black smudges surrounding my eyes and coating my cheeks. Its been a hard fall from my pedestal of always having plans and friends to hang out with. But not to my surprise, a new innocent has taken my place. A fresh, young face dying to become a higher rank of the high school social ladder. And, much to my surprise, it doesn't hurt as much to be friendless as it does to be friends with the people who make you feel terrible inside.